


haunted memories, crystal dreams and wishful promises

by Portmonee



Category: Bleach
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-25
Updated: 2020-06-25
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:41:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24917737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Portmonee/pseuds/Portmonee
Summary: The first time he leaves she’s in middle school. When it happens again she’s just as unprepared as she was the first time. Eventually Toshiro actually leaves her. Like, properly leaves her. The next time he’s gone it’s so painful she burns their home down.
Relationships: Hitsugaya Toushirou/Kurosaki Karin
Comments: 6
Kudos: 48





	haunted memories, crystal dreams and wishful promises

The first time he leaves she’s in middle school. 

They don’t have the most stable relationship so Karin can’t really complain, but it’s been a couple of years now he’s been visiting regularly every two, three months. 

It’s not like he visits _her_. He’s either on a mission or taking a break from one. But all of a sudden she senses him in the air, it’s such a strange feeling, and Karin finds her way to him. 

“When will you stop following me?” He asks once, not even looking at her, always so grumpy.

But he never pushes her away. Never tells her to go. 

Toshiro usually gives her the day. He never tells her but she knows it’s intentional. He could get rid of her in a heartbeat, do anything he wanted, go wherever he liked. Instead they play soccer, visit Granny Haru and then watch the sunset on top of Karakura Hill.

They don’t talk much. 

Well, he doesn’t talk. Karin just waits until the silence is so awkward she can’t take it anymore and then starts spitting nonsense, anything that crosses her mind, and feels stupid but just can’t shut it. He obviously doesn’t want to hear any of that, she knows, but he never stops her.

So Karin tells him about school, about soccer, about Ichigo and Yuzu and Goat-chin, and he just listens. Sometimes she finds his crazy deep teal eyes watching her and she trips on her own words, taken aback, then feels embarrassed because she’s not sure what she’s saying anymore and he frowns, confused.

She thinks about their short encounters all the time. 

She wonders what’s happening to her. She used to be fearless and brave and now is just doubtful and awkward. Is it Toshiro or is she just growing into an overly self-conscious teen? 

And she wonders about him. 

She can see it, he’s got so many thoughts in that little white head of his and he’s always stiff and tense. He looks like a kid, just like her, but Karin knows he’s seen things no kid, no adult, nobody should ever see. She’s probably just wasting his time, a silly middle schooler moaning about homework to a damn Shinigami who must have faced death more times than she’s been late for class.

But Karin can’t bring herself to stop talking because at times, when he starts listening to her, it almost looks like the weight on his shoulders disappears and he is just a kid, just like her.

Karin cherishes his visits because no matter how unsettled Toshiro makes her feel, he is the only person in the entire universe she can talk to about her worries and fears. Ichigo keeps vanishing for days, weeks. Yuzu has gradually started seeing spirits and is so scared. Her old man is just painfully ignoring everything as usual. And Karin has to pick up the pieces.

Toshiro listens, he never gives her advices. But he listens, nods, stares are the horizon. 

“You will figure it out. You’re a smart girl.” 

And that’s enough to keep her going for a while.

But when he doesn’t show up after five months from his last visit, Karin is really on edge. 

Is not like she can go ask her brother or the strange guy from the convenience store because Toshiro is a captain and he’s probably very busy and doesn’t have time to play with her. 

She’d just look like an idiot.

So she waits, restless, her senses always looking for anything that could resemble him. She concentrates so much she begins picking up other people’s reiatsu - that’s what Toshiro had called them. 

She can feel Ururu and Jinta all the way from her classroom. She can feel her lovely twin at home as she’s walking back from practice. She knows in an instant every time Ichigo leaves their world and she won’t breathe till he’s back.

It’s a rainy May day, Karin is running home wet from head to toes and she’s cursing under her breath because she’s left the umbrella at home.

Then it happens and it’s so unexpected that she loses her balance and has to steady herself on a fence. Her heart is racing fast and she feels sick. 

_He’s here._

It’s been seven months and a half, but he’s here. 

Karin can sense other people - other Shinigami - and some seem familiar but who cares because Toshiro is back. She starts running again, fast, cutting the rain with her body and following that strong spiritual pressure.

They must have felt her coming because turning the corner she finds them waiting, almost expecting her. And she might be going crazy because one second they are all there, the next they are gone and it’s just Toshiro.

Suddenly Karin is very much aware she’s soaking, uniform glued to the body, ponytail undone and hair sticking to her pale face and neck. But she doesn’t really give a damn because she finds his eyes and the next thing she knows, Karin is holding him tight. 

They’ve never touched each other like that, it’s not normal and Karin knows it, but she thinks if she doesn’t hold him there he will disappear again and this time she will cry. It’s not like she’s that strong, he could easily push away, but Toshiro doesn’t move and she hears him breathe deeply through the rain, chest raising under her cheek.

“You’re such a jerk.” She whispers. Doesn’t have to tell him why, he knows. 

“I’ve been busy, Karin.” That’s all he offers. His voice is cold and firm, she’d almost forgotten it.

“Tough shit, Toshiro!” She wants to look him in the eyes and show him how much she cares but is too scared to find out that he might not care at all “We’re friends, friends don’t make each other worry so much.”

He’s silent, still. Karin knows he will not apologies because he obviously doesn’t have to report back to her. But then he pushes her gently, hands on her shoulders, and forces her to look at him. The white hair are dripping tears of rain over his frowning, serious face. His beautiful eyes are hard and Karin thinks he will just tell her off and call her a baby.

“I didn’t mean to make you worry.” He says instead, and she’s surprised but she knows he’s speaking the truth. He never lies. 

Then he lets her go and glances away, as if he can see something in the distance. Karin feels it too, it’s quite strong and she doesn’t recognise it but she knows Toshiro will be gone again. 

“I’ll be back.” He gives her one last look before disappearing.

Karin is left alone under the rain and doesn’t know what to feel because she’s so happy and so angry and so worried and so full of hope.

_He’ll be back._

That will have to do for now.

—

When it happens again she’s just as unprepared as she was the first time. She should have really seen it coming. 

She’s midway through her last year of high school and she can’t wait for graduation and freedom. They’ve made a deal. School is priority and she has to fully commit and study hard, in exchange he’s teaching her to control her powers.

Karin has grown and so has Toshiro. Her hair is long and shiny and she knows he likes it down. She catches him staring when the wind blows and her dark locks dance in the air. 

Karin has grown and so have her powers. She’s been waking up drenched in sweat, the water _boiling_ in the glass next to her bed, and Toshiro has been there every single time. 

He’s been teaching her meditation and how to concentrate her energies for combat. 

But he is worried her powers will get too strong for her to live a normal life so one day he appears on her windowsill and Karin jokes he needs to start using the door or he will totally catch her half naked, sooner or later. He blushes. She thinks it’s adorable how naive he can be even if he is probably five, six times her age. 

Toshiro throws her something and she catches it mid air - great reflexes thanks to him. It’s a little pendent and it’s her turn to blush, heart pounding. He explains it will help contain her powers so that they will not effect people around her, so that she won’t attract Hollows and put herself and others in danger. 

Silly her, thinking it was a late Christmas gift or something. 

She smiles sheepishly and tries to say something to feel less awkward but then Toshiro is behind her, hand stretching out. 

“Give it here, I’ll help you put it on.” He’s firm and confident as usual. Karin holds her hair up and can feel his warm breath on the neck. She shives. 

“It’s quite pretty.” She’s studying her reflection. The pendant is small but catches the light and shimmers. It looks a bit girly but it’s not something a child would wear. She likes it.

Kirin finds his eyes staring back at her through the mirror, he’s still standing behind her and it looks like he wants to say something. He watches her with so much intensity Karin’s heart starts racing again, but then he looks away and steps towards the window. 

“It’s not meant to be pretty. It’s meant to keep you safe.”

He’s about to jump out but she moves quickly and grabs his hand. It’s cold, she knows, just like his touch always is. 

“Toshiro.” 

He turns around slowly and he’s so handsome. He’s lost all his baby features. Hard lines, strong muscles, broad shoulders. He’s not massively taller than her but just enough to feel his deep eyes staring down. 

Toshiro is a man and Karin has noticed a while ago. 

“Don’t go yet.” She pleads. He studies her, uncertain on what to do, and after a few endless moments he relaxes and smiles.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

Karin smiles too and is overwhelmed by joy because he wants to stay and it doesn’t matter if she has a one-sided crush on her best friend and it’s quite wrong on so many levels, Toshiro wants to stay with her and that’s all she cares about.

So she pulls him on the bed and they chat for hours, homework forgotten on the desk.

He’s been worrying about his grandmother because she’s getting old and he wishes he could look after her better. But he can’t bring her where he lives, he tells Karin, rules in Seireitei are very strict. He also worries about Hinamori because it’s taking her a while to adapt back to normality and Karin feels an intense wave of jealousy but pushes it back because she knows Toshiro cares for this woman and she’s his friends and needs to be supportive. 

So she listens, just like he’s listened to her so many times, and she loves his voice and she loves knowing that he opens up to her. Karin listens and tells him what she thinks because sometimes he is lost and just needs a little nudge in the right direction. And it’s so funny because he’s a damn Shinigami Taicho and still comes to get life advices from a hormonal teenager. 

It’d dark outside and she smells Yuzu’s cooking in the air. Karin doesn’t even invite him to join for dinner because he won’t, she knows. So when he gives her another little, sad smile she knows it’s time for goodbyes and takes his hand in hers. She squeezes it hard because who knows what he will be up to next. 

“Don’t do anything stupid.” She laughs, wants to take the tension off, but Toshiro just stares at their holding hands and nods, so serious.

He stands and moves to the window, she doesn’t stop him this time. Toshiro turns to look back one last time. Joggers, oversized t-shit, long hair that melt on the shoulders, the little sparkle around her neck. She smiles because he needs her to slime.

“See you later Karin.”

And he’s gone again.

She only starts worrying a few months later. 

It’s odd that both Toshiro and Ichigo had left on the same night. She’s been fighting the unsettling sense of nausea for a while now. Karin stands in front of the convince store wondering if it’s worth it, the grip on her heart at the thought of her boys is enough to make her give in.

Kisuke Urahara is a strange man. She’s never liked him, never trusted him, but Toshiro told her to go to him for emergencies. Karin doesn’t like it one bit but when he tells her there is a war going on she realises he’s her only source of information and whatever he says, it’s still not enough to make the sickness go away.

A war, that’s all he can tell her. She asks about Ichigo and Toshiro - there is no time to be shy - but the blond man has nothing. 

“They are strong.” He tells her while she’s stomping away, furious and with watery eyes. She just slams the door behind her and wants the damn shop to crumble down. 

School keeps her busy enough. She can’t concentrate as well as she’d like, she barely sleeps and is always unbelievably tired, but she’d promised Toshiro so she studies hard and passes her final exams. 

Summer is hot and dry. Yuzu talks about uni and seems terribly excited. Sometimes Karin almost lets herself be excited too, but then remembers her brother and best friend are fighting in a bloody war, could be hurt, could be fucking dead, and the thought of university suddenly feels very foolish. 

She watches Yuzu and envies her ignorance. Just like their dad, her twin pretends it’s all fine and doesn’t want to hear anything about what Ichigo does when he’s not home. She tells everyone their brother is studying in Tokyo, that he’s so busy. Karin thinks Yuzu probably has started believing her own lies and maybe it’s a blessing that Jinta is always around because the day her sister will crack, she will need someone who can understand what’s been truly going on. 

Each passing day is a stab in Karin’s heart. Not one moment goes by without her thinking about it, without her thinking about the worse. She cries herself to sleep every night and she hates crying. She prays God, whichever God, to please let them get back home safe, back home to her. 

Then one day she’s in the garden laying on her back under the sun. She just wants to melt. Her phone rings and it’s a message from Jinta.

_Come now._

That’s all it says and all Karin needs to sprint out. She’s there in just a few minutes, panting and sweating, just in time to feel Ichigo’s reiatsu back. 

She finds him all bandaged up, definitely a broken arm, most likely a few broken ribs, dark circles around the eyes. It’s obvious he’s in a lot of pain but she doesn’t care and hugs him tight because he’s alive and she needs to feel him, to touch him, to make sure he’s real. 

He is. Ichigo holds her and lets her cry in his arms. 

“I’m home, Karin. I’m okay. Everything is okay.” 

And it is, but she can’t stop crying because it pains her to admit that she really thought something very bad had happened. So she cries in her brother’s embrace and it feels good.

Then it gets her, the sharp ache in her stomach, and she’s so sacred to ask but she’s waited for months and it’s killing her.

“Ichigo…” She’s weeping like a baby but it doesn’t matter “Is he… is he… Toshiro?” 

He holds her closer and Karin thinks she’s never been this afraid in her entire life.

“He’s fine.” 

She lets out something in between a sob and a moan and it feels like the energies that have been holding her up till now let go of her all together. Ichigo is strong and keeps her from crashing down but Karin is so done.

_They are alive._

Ichigo has to stay at Urahara's for a while, can’t show up at home looking like he’s been ran over by a truck, and Karin visits him every day. He can’t tell her about the war, won’t tell her about what he’s been through, but she finds him strangely prone to chat about his Shinigami friends.

Karin listens and imagines all these people who have been so close to her brother for years and it’s weird because his family knows nothing about them. She is curious because Ichigo and Toshiro mean a lot to her and she kind of wants to be included in that second life they have, the one she’s not a part of.

She misses Toshiro, it’s been so long since she’s last seen him. Karin touches her little pendant, thinks of him and smiles because he’s healing and he’s fine, she doesn’t need to worry. He will come and see her as soon as he can, she knows. She hopes. 

September comes around and the days are getting shorter and the air is getting crispier. She’s still sleeping with her window open because she’s always warm and the cool breeze helps her body relax and her mind wander. 

She dreams of the ocean. She’s swimming but there is nothing around, just water, and she’s exhausted. She keeps swimming, she’s not going to give up, but then the sky turns black and the waves are crashing on her body and she’s exhausted. It starts raining and it feels cold on her cheek, so cold, almost freezing. 

It’s bothering her, it’s in her eyes, she tries to rub it away and with a cry she’s awake and staring in two pools of blue water. 

Toshiro is there, watching her, his fingers softly caressing her.

Karin pulls him to her at once and he almost falls over her body but catches himself on the bed and just lets her cry in his neck. Her hands are shaking as she grips his soft, soft hair. He smells like fresh grass and she thinks she might really never let go, not when his strong arms are circling her back and she feels him melting into her because _oh, he needs this too._

Karin tries to calm down and suffocates her whining because she’s done enough crying while he’s been gone. She wipes the tears away resting her forehead on his shoulder and feels his hands move around her body. He passes one arm under her legs and picks her up. It’s fine because she trusts him and honestly she’s got no strength to fight, would really let him take her anywhere. 

It’s quick but Karin knows they’re not in her room anymore. The cold night air tickles her skin and her bare feet touch the ground. They’re on the roof of the clinic. The sky is clear and she can see all the stars, the moon is bright and shines on Toshiro’s face. 

He looks well. Tired, but well. His hair is longer, Karin notices, and he might even be taller. His eyes are hard and deep and full of thoughts as usual but she can tell he’s trying to hide how much he’s suffered, the fear and the pain he’s been through. 

She really just wants to touch him again and really just wants him to touch her too, but remembers she’s hurt and she’s been hurting for months. And she’s a grown up now, she’s not afraid of what she feels.

“I hate you so much.” They both know it’s a lie, she can’t even pretend to be angry. But she is upset and her voice breaks a little.

“I thought you were dead.” She whispers low because it’s true and she’s ashamed and scared. He doesn’t move and maybe he hasn’t heard it so she speaks louder.

“Toshiro, do you understand? I thought I’d never see you again!” She’s emotional and she ends it in a sob, swallowing down all the pain, fighting hard not to let the tears run out.

“I’m sorry.” He finally says and he sounds confused and haunted. He’s trying to keep it together but he’s just as broken as she is, Karin realises. 

“I’ve missed you every single day. I was going crazy Toshiro.” She grasps both his hands and brings them to her face. She wants to hide in them, she wants to hide from him because she can’t control it anymore. But she also can’t let go.

It’s weird because when he rests his palms to cup her face, his thumbs gently stroking her cheeks, she both feels her heart exploding and her breath slowing down. She closes her eyes relaxing into his touch.

“Please do never do this to me ever again. Please, promise me. Please.” She’s holding his wrists, gripping onto him because she feels so fragile and she hates it.

“You know I can’t promise you that.” 

She knows, she knows. And she loves how dedicated he is, she loves his sense of duty, she loves that he would give his life to protect others. But how can she accept this? 

“Karin. Karin, look at me.” He sounds like he’s in pain, like he needs her. His hands slide off her cheeks and he moves closer. She feels him breathing in her hair and it sends chills down her spine.

“I’m so sorry, I really am.” Toshiro whispers in her ear and she shives so hard she has to hold herself on him. He embraces her and brings her closer, it’s warm and comfortable.

“You have no idea…” 

“I do.” He cuts her off, sharp.

“You’ve left me…”

“No.” He pulls back and rests his forehead on hers, shaking his head slowly and desperately “No. Karin, you are…”

Her dark eyes, black like the stormy sky, full of fear and pain and tears, find his troubled and tired magnetic teal ones. Is he being weak? Is he being weak for her?

“I don’t want you to leave me.” He doesn’t need to explain anything, she understands, but he also needs to understand her. Karin will be strong for the both of them but Toshiro has to understand.

“I won’t.” He says back. Their noses are touching and she is so excited she could pass out. They are so close she can totally feel his breath on her skin and his lips brushing hers “I can’t.”

And then they kiss. 

Toshiro is hard and eager, grasping on her body like he’s afraid she will vanish in his hands. Karin wants him to realise she’s there and she’s not going anywhere so moves her lips slowly, tentatively, and he surrenders and matches her pace. 

_He tastes so good._

Her hands move from his neck up to his jaw line and Toshiro sighs in her mouth. The tip of his tongue touches hers and she feels her legs tremble as he’s pulling her hair gently to tilt her head and kiss her more fiercely. 

Karin smiles on his lips because she’s never felt him this close and she fucking loves it. 

—

Eventually Toshiro actually leaves her. 

Like, properly leaves her. Like, break up leaves her.

It hasn’t been great for a while. Karin is busy with uni, she actually really enjoys it and she’s finding her own space, her own independence. Toshiro has always been overworked and never had that much time for her, but now that they are in a relationship it’s too hard seeing each other for just one day every two months. And when he manages to find more time, she feels awful because she can't drop everything on the spot to be with him. She has to study, she has deadlines, it’s not a joke. 

Toshiro starts to be restless, she notices. It’s like he is not able to find a place in her life. He doesn’t like her new friends, he doesn’t like the fact that she’s moved away from home. He mentions once that she hasn’t played soccer in a while. 

“I know. Guess I’ve grown out of it.” She shrugs and thinks she does miss it but she’s got different priorities now and is happy to keep soccer as a sporadic hobby.

Toshiro doesn’t seem to like that either. 

He then goes on saying she’s also stopped training and working on her powers and Karin realises this might be a bigger conversation than she’s previously thought. 

It’s not like she doesn’t want it anymore, that’s definitely not it. But she’s really enjoying her new life as a young adult and she understands now why Yuzu and her dad have been ignoring the ghosts and the Shinigami and all the Ichigo business. It’s just easy when your biggest worry is not having food for dinner or trying to get the slides of the lecture you’ve missed, instead of thinking that your loved ones could be dead or dying or both.

So Karin has been neglecting that side of her life, and she feels bad because Toshiro is a part of it and she would never want to upset him. But she doesn’t lie to him when he asks her if they are okay. 

_Well, no, they are not okay._

He’s annoyed by pretty much everything she does and likes and she loves him, she really does, but sometimes she wishes they were just normal and could live a normal life like all her uni mates. She can see the hurt in his eyes and she despises herself for being the cause of his pain. But they don’t lie to each other, ever. Toshiro will understand what she means.

He doesn’t. Or actually he does, but the result is definitely not what Karin had wanted. 

He is furious, betrayed, broken.

“If you’re asking me to drop my life and join you here, Karin, you know I can’t do that.” 

“That’s not what I m-”

“I’m not like your father.” His words hit her like bullets and she stops to look at him, to look at them both. 

Karin knows that’s not what he means, she’s not stupid. But oh, it does sound an awful lot like a _I don’t love you like your father loved your mother_.

She holds her head, elbows on the table, and closes her eyes to think because they are not getting out of this if one of them doesn’t start thinking. And Toshiro is clearly not in the mood. 

Karin thinks of a way they can possibly have it all and make it work, but it quickly downs on her it’s just not possible and she’s suddenly feeling sick. It’s not even about compromising, they have been compromising their whole life. The truth is that one of them has to give up their life and follow the other. 

And for fuck sake that’s all Karin had wanted till Toshiro had pushed her to keep studying, to go to university, to live a normal twenty-year-old life because she’s young and she’s got all the time to go back on her steps. 

And now she’s so glad he had done that because she’s never felt so free and independent. But she also thinks it’s bullshit because what time? What life? It feels like she has to make a decision right now and it’s not fair. She doesn’t want to leave school, she doesn’t want to take her pendant off and check how strong she has become. That actually scares the shit out of her.

But then she thinks about a life without him, without his embraces, without his wise words and his annoying smart-ass comments. She imagines how it would feel not having to look forward to their meetings, not waking up to his caresses or falling asleep with his kisses, not having him listening to her for hours on end from the stupidest argument she’s had with her roommate to the fear thatYuzu is all grown up and doesn’t need her anymore. 

And it’s so obvious. It’s so obvious and Karin has no doubts because it doesn’t matter what she’s doing and where she is, if she’s with Toshiro she’s just happy. She’s about to tell him that if he can’t be like her dad, well _she can_ and they can totally do this together, but he speaks first.

“We have to end it. It was a mistake, I’ve made a mistake.” He is looking at her dead straight in the eyes and Karin wants to throw up because they never lie to each other. He is serious.

Apparently Toshiro has been doing some thinking himself. 

“What are you on about?” She feels the panic building up in her stomach “Look, I’ll drop it, I don’t care, Toshiro. I’ll drop uni, I’ll train, I’ll be a Shinigami.”

But he shakes his head and she can feel the tears in her eyes. 

“You have a life, Karin. You need to live it fully. I’m holding you back.”

“Are you fucking stupid Toshiro?” It’s a mixture of rage, fear and disappointment, but she can hear herself and she just sounds so scared “Holding me back? What the fuck? Where is this coming from?”

He stands up and moves to the door. She follows him, burning tears running down her cheeks, melting her mascara, and her eyes sting but she doesn’t stop. She grabs him, calls his name, screams and then begs him. She’s a mess.

“Just stop.” Toshiro pulls away like he’s disgusted and doesn’t even look at her “I’m holding you back and _you_ are holding _me_ back.”

Her head hurts, it hurst so much. Karin feels like she can’t breathe and is dizzy. He’s opened the door and he’s walking away from her. He’s walking away forever and Karin is powerless.

“Toshiro, please…” She pleads one last time collapsing on the floor and crying till she can’t see straight anymore.

_He really is gone._

It takes her months to get over it. She misses a semester and has to retake it, moves back home for a while and Yuzu cuddles next to her when she’s in agony, her dad stops being a weirdo for the first time in her life and Ichigo is angry enough for the three of them. He wants to do something, he wants to break Toshiro just like he’s broken his little sister’s heart, but her dad jumps in. 

“Leave it son, this is not your fight.” He kisses her on the head and she just wants to forget it all. 

She does, after a while, or at least she manages to live with the scars and the grief. Karin doesn’t want to fall behind so picks up the pieces and starts to believe it might actually be possible for her to move on.

She does think about him sometimes. Often, at first, and she tortures herself with the memory of how great it was. But slowly the thought of him starts to fade and with that, all Karin’s sorrows. 

Sometimes she can sense him in the air and those are probably the hardest times. She tries to work backwards, tries to suppress her powers and go back to when she felt nothing. It doesn’t work, but maybe she’s managed to master her strength a little better because now, somehow, if she feels him or any Shinigami at all she’s able to just turn off a switch in her brain and they are gone and she can breathe.

After a while Karin can actually think about what they used to have without getting upset, just as something she’s lived in the past and helped her grow into the woman she is now. Sometimes she even smiles and it’s probably fake but almost feels natural so why not.

Time goes by slowly but suddenly the weeks turn into months and the months turn into years and now Karin has graduated and she has to figure out what to do next.

She comes back home in the meantime. Yuzu is engaged and has moved out and Ichigo visits whenever he can, which is basically never. It’s just her and her father and she kinda likes it. He’s not as annoying as he used to be, almost a grown up himself, and they talk about all the things she felt she could only talk about with Toshiro. Life and death, his past and her future, her mother.

It’s refreshing and reassuring and Karin thinks she’s discovered a side of her dad she’d never known existed.

Every other Sunday she goes grocery shopping for Granny Haru, she alternates with Yuzu who’s been taking care of the old lady while Karin had been at uni. She cooks for her, cleans around and spends the day in her home, keeping her company. 

Granny Haru falls ill that spring and Karin knows as soon as she walks in on her fourth day in bed that she will be gone soon. She dies a handful of days later, smiling, holding Karin and Yuzu’s hands.

“It was not that bad, my sweet girls.” She tells them a few moments later, now as a ghost, and they are both crying hard because she’s dead but she’s there and she’s alive but her body is cold and it’s so confusing. 

“Karin.” Granny calls and even if they can’t touch Karin swears she feels her hand on the shoulder “Will you get him here? Will you do this for me?”

And it’s not like she can say no to a dead woman. She asks Jinta to help her and he does because they will be family soon so he better be nice. Jinta also helps because he knows, Yuzu has told him, how painful it will be for Karin.

The funeral is private and sweet, Granny Haru watches them while they lay colourful flowers on her grave. When it’s all over and people start to leave Yuzu squeezes her hand.

“I’ll miss you Granny. I love you.” She whispers smiling through the tears and Granny’s spirit smiles back at her. She leaves them, Jinta holding her, because she knows that Karin has to do this alone. 

And suddenly Karin can feel him, just there, just behind her and she needs to stay calm because she is way better than this. He’s probably been standing there for a while but her senses are a bit off and she hadn’t realised.

“I’ve watched you do this many times Toshiro, no need to be shy with me.” Granny Haru says and sounds calm and confident. Karin wonders if when her time will come, she will welcome death just as easily. 

With a few steps Toshiro is now standing next to her. She won’t look at him, this is not their time, this is not their moment. They’ve had their moment, it was so great till it was over and now they’re acting like strangers, not even acknowledging each other. 

“Forgive me.” Karin shivers because his voice is deep and sharp and she had forgotten it “I wish I’d visited more.”

Granny shakes her head and watches him with the kindest eyes.

“Oh but you’ve always been there, even when you weren’t really.”

The wind carries pink petals and tiny green leaves and Karin thinks that maybe she should give them privacy, maybe her presence is unwanted.

“Are you ready?” 

Granny smiles again and Karin can’t hold the tears because it’s painfully sad. Haru has been there for her, she’s been the grandmother she’d never had, she’s made her wiser and kinder and better and it’s so, so sad.

“Take care of yourself, my beautiful little Karin.” 

It breaks her heart.

She watches Toshiro unsheathe Hyorinmaru, turning the zampakuto in his hands with care and precision, he controls it like it’s a part of his own body. He presses the hilt of his sword on Granny Haru’s forehead. Karin has seen Konso before and it’s really the most harmless technique a Shinigami can perform, but she feels scared and useless while Granny is sinking into the bright blue light. 

“Goodbye, for now.” She hears her gentle voice one last time before she’s gone forever. 

And it’s weird and awkward because now it’s just the two of them, standing in front of a tombstone in silence. They haven’t seen each other in almost three years and the last time they met it didn’t really end well. 

But Karin has grown, she won’t let her emotions take over and make her run away. They used to be friends, they used to talk for hours on end, the used to fuck for God’s sake. Even if it feels like they are strangers now, Karin used to know the man standing next to her, she used to know him better than anyone else.

She will be polite, at least.

“Is she going to be okay?”

“She will be. I’ll find her.” He assures her and Karin thinks he makes it sound easy. She knows it definitely isn’t.

Toshiro turns a little and he’s discrete but he’s definitely studying her.

“You look well.”

As a matter of fact, she doesn’t. She’s a wreck, hasn’t been sleeping much, her eyes are so red you’d think she is stoned off her face. 

He looks away when she finally turns too. 

Toshiro is as handsome as always. It’s unfair because Karin swears she’s starting to get smile lines but it looks like he hasn’t aged one day. The snowy, unruly white hair falls over those crazy beautiful eyes and he really is breathtaking. But his eyes look heavy, his body is rigid and he’s resting a hand on Hyorinmaru. For a moment it feels like they spent no time apart because she can still read him in an instant.

“You look like shit.” His lips twitch.

“I’ve been-“

“You’ve been busy, I know.” Karin cuts him off. Really, nothing has changed. 

He glances at her, frowning, and she feels weak and naked. It’s her time to look away now.

“So what is it like? Finding eternal peace or something?” 

Toshiro takes a long pause before he replies. His voice sounds a bit more relaxed, a bit less formal.

“I wouldn’t say so, no. It’s… it’s just kind of normal, if you’re not a Shinigami. Then it’s a bit more complicated.”

“Normal, mh?” She smiles “So like some kind of second chance at life?”

He smiles a little too.

“Maybe.”

Karin has often debated it with her dad because it doesn’t make much sense. It’s just odd that you get to die twice. In her head it kind of defeats the purpose of living a human life fully because it means you’re putting all your energies into something that is doomed to end eventually and then you have to do it all over again. Human life feels quite useless knowing there is another, longer one after. 

“The point is that humans don’t know that.” Her father had told her and that made much more sense. Of course, not knowing if you get a second chance or not really makes you appreciate the present. 

But what about her? Sometimes, often, everything just seems so meaningless and she wonders if there is even a point. Karin is looking in the distance, lost in her thoughts, but this is not the right place or the right time so she speaks again. Not that she cares but whatever.

“How long do you have?”

Toshiro is almost startled by that. 

“Not long but I can stay a bit.” Then breathes in deeply “How… how have you been?”

And she snorts. _Really?_

“When exactly do you mean?” She’s sharp but Toshiro doesn’t seem to acknowledge it “I’ve been well lately. I’ve graduated, moved back here. Trying to figure what’s next.”

“Mh.”

“It took me a while though.” She’d told herself she wouldn’t engage but the words come out on their own and she can’t stop now that she’s started “You really did hurt me, you know?”

And Karin is surprised because she speaks so matter of factly that it could pass as confident, no traces of the internal tragedy she’d been through.

Toshiro is quiet for a while and Karin wonders if he will just walk away. It really wouldn’t surprise her. But then he speaks and it hurts like he’s taken a hammer and smashed her head and her heart with it. 

“I thought it was for the best.”

“You thought?” She can’t help but spit back. 

She turns to face him, dark eyes on fire, and she wants to scream but then notices his jaw is clenched and he looks in pain.

“Karin-” He better be fucking kidding.

“I’m not sure I can do this Toshiro.” 

It’s true. Whatever this is, she doesn’t like it. Karin wants to push him and punch him and run and hold his hand too but that’s wrong, wrong, wrong. 

“I’ll go if you want.” He offers, so condescending it makes her sick. 

“It’s really not that easy. I don’t know what I want.” 

He finds her eyes and she’s done being weak, she won’t look away, he won’t intimidate her no more. And Toshiro is exhausted, it’s clear to her now. He’s suffering and he’s bleeding and he’s given up. But he’s got no rights, no rights.

“I regret what I did. I was not prepared for the consequences.”

“So what, you’re telling me now to redeem yourself?” She’s punchy and bitter and dry.

“No, no.” Toshiro shakes his head, he looks defeated.

“I can’t move on, I tried. But if there is a way I can give you closure, I can make you understand you didn’t do anything wrong and I wa-”

“I know it wasn’t me, Toshiro.” Her voice cracks a little. She’s never been the issue, never. 

“No, you’ve always been the strong one.” He runs a hand through his hair “I was scared.”

“Scared?”

“I was scared you’d grow to resent me.” 

His stare is intense, the voice is full of emotions she can barely place and Karin thinks he might be scared right now. He probably is.

“And it’s funny because here we are. I’ve only made it worse.” Toshiro snorts.

But they don’t lie to each other so as upset as Karin is, she can’t let him think that.

“I don’t resent you, not for everything you brought into my life. I never did and I never could.” 

Her heart is heavy and she feels it hammering in the ears.

“You thought I would have blindly followed you anywhere but it was not just that. I didn’t want to do it for you. I wanted it for us, I wanted it for me.”

“You were so young Karin.” 

“Am I not now? What’s changed?”

“Does it matter?”

“It does!” Karin screams and she might be losing control, can’t think straight.

“Because Toshiro, I don’t know if I will ever be able to forgive you, but if you’re telling me… what are you even telling me?” 

“That I’m sorry!” Toshiro roars and Karin jumps back a little “That if I could, I’d change it all. And I know it’s too late, I’m not asking you to-“

“Why not?” She cries out and her eyes are stinging “Why can’t you for once just fucking ask me what I want?”

Karin takes a step forward and pushes him hard.

“You need to get over yourself. I don’t give a shit about how guilty you feel because you have no idea how I felt, how I feel.”

“I love you Karin.” 

He’s firm, sure and honest. Karin feels her body give in and thinks she will be sick and faint. She kind of wants to slap him, too. 

“You’re unbelievable.” 

“Do you?” She doesn’t reply “Do you still love me?”

It feels like the words are stuck in her throat, chocking her, as she stares at the man she’s loved with her whole body and soul since she was a little girl. 

She’s dreamt about this so many nights and longed for his touch, waking up to realise it was not real, that he was not coming back. She’s wished she'd run after him, that awful day he walked away, and told him there was no way he was leaving her.

“Do you?”

Her heart hurts and burns. Karin looks him in the eyes, it’s a sea of haunted memories, crystal dreams and wishful promises, and drowns in them.

“I’ve never stopped.”

It all clicks back into place like the world had lost its grip for a while, and now is all finally fixed. The sun is actually up in the sky and shines and is warm on her skin, the air is heavy with pollen but also smells of cherry blossoms and spring, the flowers all around the graveyard are bright and colourful and beautiful. Karin thinks there must be a reason she’s living that silly human life of hers and it’s hard to describe because everything is just so much better when Toshiro is around. She thinks she can do this, she’s not afraid.

When he speaks his voice is tentative and Karin knows he’s trying to contain himself because he doesn’t want to overwhelm her, but she can sense him and is flattering and satisfying knowing he feels the same way she does.

“Can… can I maybe see you tomorrow?”

_Oh, bless him._

“Okay.”

“Yeah?”

He’s still so adorable and naive.

“Yeah.”

And they are both smiling like they haven’t smiled in a while. It’s sincere and light and joyful. Karin doesn’t know what it is and where it’s going and how long it will take to get there, but they are together now, that’s really all that matters.

—

The next time he’s gone it’s so painful she burns their home down.

It’s hard at first. Her powers start spiking up probably because Toshiro is back in her life and somehow the pendant he had given her all those years ago is not enough anymore. When Toshiro notices, the look on his face is more concerned than surprised. In a matter of days she is pushed into Urahara’s shop, confused and wary because Toshiro won’t tell her what’s going on. 

“These are Kyoraku Sotaicho’s orders.” He just says to the blond man who is grinning mischievously. 

Her new training is not comparable to anything she’s done in the past. She feels her soul ripping, the skin literally on fire, her bones cracking under the weight of the spiritual energy that is being pushed to its limits. 

Every night she gets back home to find a warm dinner and her dad waiting on the couch. He’s been supportive, both with her newly re-found friendship with Toshiro - they don’t talk about what it is really because she doesn’t know and doesn’t want to know yet - and her trainings but there is a deep sadness concealed beneath his smiles and reassuring words. 

They’re both very much aware of what’s happening, they’re not dumb, and as excited as Karin is to become a Shinigami she’s also worried about the repercussions it will have on her life. 

It’s not like she’s got that much to leave behind. It’s been a while since she’s graduated and the prospect of finding a job feels dull and unappealing, she’s also lost touch with pretty much all her mates. Yuzu is busy with the wedding preparations and although she’s still definitely present in Karin’s life she does have different proprieties now and her sister is not on top of the list anymore. Ichigo has been gone for years, his sense of duty so much stronger than his will to keep going in his simple human life. 

But what about her dad? She’s growing up, moving on and making plans she’s excited about but her dad is not really in the picture. It pains her because he’s lost a wife, a son and now he’s kind of losing both his daughters at the same time for two completely different reasons. 

One night she’s feeling particularly brave. 

“Maybe you could come with me? I’m sure they’d let you come back dad, it’s been so long.” 

He watches her with loving and troubled eyes, laughing a little but there is no mirth in his voice.

“So you’ve made your decision.” 

She’s startled and guilty. It’s not that simple and no, she hasn’t really decided yet mainly because as much as it is her decision, she will also be obliged to whatever Soul Society wants her to do. 

“You should tell your sister.” 

She’s never kept many secrets from Yuzu, definitely none when they were younger and just a few in their adulthood to keep her safe and not preoccupied. Her father is right, she needs to tell her because even if the chances were low, they are best friends, they are sisters, they are twins, and Karin might be depriving Yuzu of all of this. She should really give her some notice. 

“I know, silly.” Her beautiful sister says with the kindest smile “I’ve always know this could happen. But you’re my sister and I understand that if this is your calling, you need to follow it.”

Her chocolate eyes are glossy but full of love.

“And I will miss you like a part of my heart has been ripped out of me, but I won’t hold you back Karin. I will always stand beside you, no matter where we are. Just promise you’ll be safe and you’ll come visit.”

And Karin feels like it’s a deja vu and she’s spoken herself those same words before. 

“I love you so much.”

They both burst out crying and they hug and they don’t let go until Jinta walks in the kitchen mumbling that women are nutters.

Their wedding is bright and joyful just like Yuzu who looks like a princess wrapped up in a shiny white dress. Her dad can’t stop crying and calling for her pretty baby who’s such a grown up woman now and he’s so happy. Ichigo holds him back and tells him to shut up because he’s embarrassing the whole family. Rukia squeezes her hand when Yuzu and Jinta pronounce their vows and they both can’t hold the tears back.

Toshiro is invited too. He stands stiff and awkward, looking gorgeous in the dark formal suit, pale hair and tanned skin. He chats with Rukia, bickers with Ichigo, tries to avoid her dad who’s getting drunker and drunker. He looks at her, doesn’t say anything, and Karin blushes hard and thank God a bridesmaid grabs her arm and drags her to the dance floor. 

She sees Yuzu approaching their table and leaning into Toshiro to whisper in his ear. She’s smiling brightly and he freezes, uncomfortable.

“What did you tell him?”

Her sister shoots her an innocent look, batting her long eyelashes. 

“Yuzu.”

“Not your business Karin, if he’s taking you away he better get used to a little threatening…” She shrugs before her friends are pulling her away.

Toshiro finds her a few moments later and the music is slower so he asks her to dance. His touch is cold on her sink and she’s a bit tipsy so she rests her head on his shoulder and he lets her, holding her body close to his but leaving enough space for her to pull away, if she wants to. She doesn’t, feels like she belongs in his arms. 

He’s been patient with her, never asked for more than she’d already been giving him, making her comfortable knowing he would wait for her to be ready. 

That night, while everyone is crashing in their rooms exhausted after the partying and eating and drinking, she quietly makes her way downstairs. Toshiro is staying on their couch and is getting ready to go to sleep when he notices Karin standing there, watching him, torturing her bottom lip. 

She cautiously steps forward, pondering if she’s thought enough about it. When they are just a few inches away and he still hasn’t moved because he wants her to feel safe, she knows. Karin raises on her tiptoes and lightly brushes her lips on Toshiro’s. He’s holding his breath and she wants him to know it’s okay so gently touches his face to guide him closer. He relaxes a little, melting on her mouth.

The kiss is chaste and short but precious enough to make them both colour a light shade of pink as they break away. Karin thinks she can see the sparkle of hope in his ocean eyes and smiles. 

“Goodnight, Toshiro.”

Two weeks later Urahara and Yoruichi announce she is ready for the next step and Karin meets Rukia’s brother for the first time. Apparently she needs a high ranked Shinigami to vouch for her and Ichigo, Toshiro and Rukia are way too bias. Byakuya is a quiet man, an observer, she can tell he is judging her every single move and as much as that makes her uncomfortable, somehow she also wants to impress him. 

Her dad is there too, Karin can see the worry and concern in his eyes but he kisses her on the forehead and tells her he’s proud of the woman she has become. She has to bite back the tears because he’s sincere and it makes her happy and strong.

They create a barrier of spiritual energy around her as nobody knows what will happen and better be safe than sorry. As Karin unlocks the pendent that has been around her neck for years, she feels a sudden force pushing her forward, almost making her trip. She catches her breath and tries to regain composure but notices something is different. She looks back and is startled at the sight of her own self, her own body lying lifeless on the floor.

An overwhelming sensation of freedom washes over her and she’s feeling light and aware of the powers moving through her veins, obeying to her wishes and demands. Karin has never felt so much in control. She notices she’s wearing a black Shihakusho and gasps at the realisation she’s a Shinigami.

“Bullshit! I went through fucking hell and she’s done in one second? What the fuck!”

Ichigo’s whining brings her back in the room.

“Karin has been working on it for years, stupid!” Rukia punches him in the stomach “You had to do it all in a couple of days. Of course her transition was much smoother!”

Well yeah, it took her a while because she’s not reckless like her brother. Karin is a little offended but turns to her teachers and family and they are watching her with pride, admiration and also a little panic and she feels pretty accomplished. She must have made a good enough impression on Kuchiki Taicho - Rukia asked her to please, please, refer to him as such - because in a matter of days she’s called to join Soul Society as a Shinigami. 

Her goodbyes are sad and painful but she promises over and over again that she’ll come visit. In the back of her mind she’s not actually sure if she will be able to or when but she needs to believe it and she needs her sister and dad to believe that too.

Ichigo guides her through the portal and smirks as they get in. 

“This makes me very happy Karin.” 

She squeezes his arm because she is obviously thrilled at the prospect of her new life but also grateful she will be able to be with him because she loves him and has missed him every day he had been away.

Toshiro is waiting at the other end together with a bunch of Shinigami and Karin thinks he still looks serious and rigid but for once he looks at ease, standing with his people. For a moment she fears she might not be able to fit in and he will be embarrassed of her and she’s petrified. Then he smiles and walks over, opens his arms to invite her in and she automatically crashes into his chest, nose buried in his uniform that smells of clean and fresh. 

It’s a bit embarrassing because they have never been this affectionate in public, not when they were actually together, let alone now that they are whatever they are. It’s really out of character for Toshiro to be acting this way in front of others, in front of his colleagues, but Karin thinks that maybe he really needs it and she surely does too so who cares if his hands are in her hair and some people are giggling and gasping around them. 

“Kay, show over Toshiro. Hands off now.” Grunts Ichigo pulling her shoulder to get her out of the white haired captain’s embrace. 

“It’s Hitsugaya Taicho to you.”

“Well now, I’d like to meet our guest. Will you come over Kurosaki Karin?”The men sitting at the head of the table speaks, he has a wolf smile and wears an eyepatch over his right eye. His tone is authoritative but welcoming.

She gets introduced to Kyoraku Sotaicho. Toshiro has told her about him so she’s not massively surprised when he calls her beautiful and winks at her. Still, it’s quite unprofessional and she blushes hard under the eyes of all the Shinigami in the room. 

The woman besides him coughs hard and shoots him a deadly look so he grins and keeps talking, this time much more seriously. He says they are happy to finally have her among them, that Ichigo and Toshiro have been informing him of her spectacular progress and he’s thrilled to welcome her in their world. 

“In normal circumstances you’d be enrolled in the Shino Academy to learn how to master your powers but if you’re anything like your brother I feel that might be a waste of your time and talent.” 

It’s true, Karin is already incredibly skilled in combat and Kido and she’s realised her abilities have been enhanced since leaving her human body. She’s also pretty good at sword fighting but training with a weapon that is not yours is not really pleasant and it deeply bothers her that her Zanpakuto still hasn’t manifested. Urahara had told her not to worry, that it will happen when it’s time and there is no point forcing it if there is no reason to. Still, it bothers her. 

Kyoraku says she will have a few months to train outside the Academy, some Taicho and Fukutaicho have offered to help her and she’s a lucky girl because not all souls get such a special treatment. But then again, there is nothing ordinary about her, so it makes sense her path is not ordinary either. Classic Kurosaki. 

She will join one of the thirteen divisions as soon as she’s mastered her powers and Zanpakuto or will be asked to attend the Academy if they believe she’ll need more time. It sounds pretty straightforward and Karin is trying to hold her excitement because she’s shaking and they are going to think she’s a weirdo. 

They let her stay in the First Division with her brother, she briefly glances over at Toshiro to find him staring back and is not sure if she wants him to ask her to stay with him or if she wants to ask herself or if maybe it’s just too soon. It probably is a bit too much too soon, she thinks.

They still manage to spend time together. Toshiro has offered to help during her meditations, he says one should get in touch with their inner soul to facilitate the Zanpakuto manifestation. Karin really tries but it’s quite embarrassing when she has to tell him she can’t concentrate when he’s around. Toshiro gives her a smug grin before pulling her close to kiss her hard and senseless. 

While Ichigo, Renji and Rangiku take turns in training and teaching her how to improve her sword fighting skills, it feels like Ikkaku and Yumichika are only interested in duelling with her. They tease her saying she’s terrible and not worth the fight and she should really get stronger if she wants them to respect her. 

Karin is weirdly fine with that because they don’t hold back like the rest and although she gets home every day with cuts and bruises - her brother screaming he’s going to kill them - she can tell she’s getting better when the Eleventh Squad Shinigami are a little sweaty after their sessions.

Rukia helps her with Kido and she’s stunned by her talent. Never seen anyone cast spells so quickly and effectively. Turns out Karin is quite gifted too and it’s flattering because the word spreads and Shinigami are stopping in the streets to compliment her achievements. 

When Rukia is busy Hinamori Fukutaicho offers to step in, she’s a Kido Master too, and Karin feels a bit awkward at first. She knows about her relationship with Toshiro and she’s worried Momo won’t like her and won’t esitate to tell her off. But then the Fifth Squad Fukutaicho is watching her with curiosity and is very interested to know her better, she is kind and nice and lovely and Karin can’t help but be reminded of Yuzu and appreciate the time they spend together.

“I think we might be friends.” She tells Toshiro one night while he’s making dinner and she’s sitting on the counter studying the Kido spells on her notes.

“She’s like a sister to me.” He just tells her and Karin smiles because she knows what he means. 

She knows he’s happy they get along because he doesn’t really have a family, not like the one she has, but loves Hinamori and their grandmother very much and wants her to feel the same.

“I know.” 

That night they end up sitting on his porch, she’s playing with his hand while they watch the stars and talk about how Sui-Feng is a bitch but also a great Hakuda teacher. 

Maybe it’s because when they start kissing she bites his lips harder than usual, her hands slide under his clothes and she purposely moans into him mouth. But when Toshiro, hungry and wary eyes, asks if she’s sure, Karin is absolutely certain she is, eager and tired of waiting just like him. 

That night they sleep together for the first time after years and Karin has missed him so much she could cry. She doesn’t, that would be weird. Instead she tries to focus on every sensation he makes her feel, the cold fingers drawing circles on her bare belly, his burning lips moving from her neck up to the ear, his strong arms holding her body tight, flushed to his, the hard bites and marks he’s leaving on her pale skin. She shivers in pleasure.

And his smell, she wants to remember how good he smells right now, sweaty and panting and groaning over her and watching her like she’s the only thing that matters in this whole fucking world. She’s missed him so much.

“I love you.” He whispers tenderly kissing her face. Karin doesn’t reply because is falling asleep but she dreams of him.

She dreams of Toshiro walking her through a forest, hand in hand, she’s barefoot and can feel the grass and leaves crackling under her toes. Karin feels content and safe, she feels warm inside and is not scared because although she’s not sure where they’re going, this place seems familiar.

All of a sudden she realises Toshiro is not there anymore, her hand grasping air, and she misses his touch but keeps walking as if knowing where she’s headed. Each step she takes, Karin feels the grass under her feet turn into flames and although it’s hot, she doesn’t burn. Something catches her attention, it's up in the trees, there’s a rustling, branches are moving and then it’s an explosion of light that flashes in her eyes. 

She jumps awake and Toshiro is on her side, arm wrapped around her middle, asking if she’s alright. The morning light is bright and blinding and it takes her a few moments to put her vision back in focus. As she does, Karin notices a shiny Zanpakuto lying on the floor next to her and it’s not Hyorinmaru. She’s so happy she starts screaming.

Kuchiki Taicho is a much stricter teacher than Toshiro had been. Since she’s acquired her Zampakuto he’s asked her to meet him every evening to work on her meditation. It’s difficult at first. Karin is excited at the idea she finally has her own weapon, a bit annoyed because she’s giving up her time with Toshiro in order to accomodate Byakuya, and just quite concerned because them Shinigami make it sound so easy, getting in touch with your soul, but no matter how hard she tries not only she can’t hear any voices, she can’t even go back to the forest. 

It’s been a month now, and absolutely nothing has happened. So she stomps into Kuchiki Manor and tells him this is totally not working for her and she doesn’t care if that’s the way it should be done, there’s nothing in her becoming a Shinigami that was done in the traditional way so whatever.

“Just force it out!” She demands. 

“I can not do that, Kurosaki.” 

She’s just sick of waiting, it’s excruciatingly unfair. Karin is so frustrated she knows her eyes are watery and her cheeks are red in ager.

“Quit whining and grow up, you’re training to be a soldier. If you are not able to use failure as a mean to get stronger maybe this is not for you.”

He’s right, she knows, but tonight she is so pissed off she won’t be able to listen. Instead she finds Toshiro in his office, buried deep in paperwork as always.

“Shouldn’t you be training?” A snowing eyebrow raised in question. She ends up shoving him to the wall and he quickly makes her forget whatever reason she was so upset about. 

The day after, Karin is bowing head to the floor asking Kuchiki to take her back as his student. Of course he does and she thinks he might have a little soft spot for her.

“You’re for sure his favourite Kurosaki.” Rukia says with a nod.

It takes her a few more weeks, but the first time Karin hears her Zanpakuto’s voice she’s so excited she claps her hands and hugs Byakuya who very awkwardly pushes her way, a disgusted look on his stone cold face, and she laughs apologising.

“You are dismissed for today, Kurosaki.” He then tells her, not even the shadow of a smile, but Karin can hear a certain playfulness in his voice “You should go tell Hitsugaya Taicho, I’m sure he will be pleased.”

He is and calls her sweet names and says he’s so proud of her while kissing every single inch of her body. Karin thinks she’s never been happier in her entire life as Toshiro is resting is head on her naked stomach and she’s caressing his soft white locks. It seems that since she’s entered Soul Society everything has finally fallen into place and it’s beautiful and peaceful. 

The next day she’s reminded that life is beautiful and peaceful until it’s not anymore.

It’s all quite sudden and confusing, even more so because Karin is not officially a Shinigami and everyone is too preoccupied running around and screaming orders to stop and tell her exactly what’s going on. 

She finds Ichigo, his eyes are dark and worried as he’s pacing back and forth in front of the Sotaicho’s office. 

“It’s not good.”

He’s not sure of the details, all captains are still in their meeting, but Soul Society is under attack and souls are dropping like flies. They need to act now or too many will die. 

Karin feels her throat clog and stars shaking. She knows this is the endgame, what she's training for and what she’d come here to do. But reality is always quite hard to take in and it hadn’t really clocked yet that Shinigami risk their life, constantly, in order to protect their realm. 

And in an instant she’s reliving all the fear and trauma of her teen years. Nightmares of blood and death, images of her brother’s empty eyes staring back at her, Toshiro’s body lifeless and torn apart. The thought she might never see them again, there is nothing she can do, she’s powerless.

_Has anything changed?_

The door swings open and the strongest Shinigami in the entire Soul Society are marching out, serious and determined. As soon as Toshiro sees her he takes her hand and pushes her aside. 

“I have to go.”

“Now?” Her voice is weak and she hates it because she wants to be strong.

“Yeah.” His teal eyes are running all over her face and he’s anxious and troubled but Karin also recognises a sparkle of sickening excitement. He’s a warrior, he’s chosen to be one and he does take great pride in risking his life to protect others.

“I want to come.”

“No.” 

A few years back she would have screamed and cried and never accepted it but today Karin is not a child, not a girl and not even a woman. She’s a Shinigami. She knows that they are soldiers devoted to keep all souls safe, that’s their priority, there is no space for emotions.

Toshiro pulls her closer and rests his lips on her skin. Karin wishes he’d never let go but he does and her jaw is tight, her hands are sweaty and she’s trying to hold back the tears for him. She doesn’t know what to say because he’s leaving her again and she knows he has no choice but it still makes her angry and worried and desperate. Karin can almost feel the fear running through her veins and she shivers.

“Hitsugaya Taicho!” Someone calls from behind and Toshiro doesn’t move but they both know time is running out and he really has to go. 

“Just-” She starts but he cuts her off.

“I love you.” And somehow that makes her even angrier.

“Don’t. Just don’t.” She cups his stupid handsome face and locks her dark, restless stormy eyes with his crazy blue ones “You can tell me when you’re back.”

Standing on her tiptoes she softly kisses him and he smiles on her lips. Toshiro doesn’t need to know she’s actually dying inside.

He’s gone again and Karin manages to get home before her body breaks under the intensity of her pain. It feels like her soul is clawing and slashing her flesh from the inside and she can’t breathe and she can’t speak and she can’t stop crying. Her eyes are tired, her head is heavy and her legs are weak. Karin lays on the bathroom floor and listens to the sound of her own sobs till she passes out, exhausted. 

Her dreams are confusing and blurry probably because her brain is pounding for all the crying, but it’s a tornado of flashes and explosions and she’s hot and breathless when she hears a voice screaming loud enough to make her jump awake.

“Kikaeno.” 

Karin doesn’t have time to register what’s happened because she opens her eyes and she’s blinded by a sharp light, tastes the smoke in her laughs, hears the crackling of the wood burning and in an instant realises she’s surrounded by flames tall as the ceiling and red like fresh blood.

She can’t move. Stunned, shocked, guilty. Toshiro is gone and she’s already managed to turn all he has left into ashes. It’s miserable, she’s actually miserable. 

“I’m so sorry. I’m so weak.”

Karin repeats the words in a broken whisper again and again till she finds herself sitting across from Kyoraku Sotaicho and she has no idea when or how she got there. 

“Quite the contrary I’d say.” He smirks, chin resting on the hand as he’s watching her with a curious look “Our dearest Hitsugaya will not be pleased to know you’ve burned down half his quarters.” 

“I’m so sorry.” 

“Oh, but I couldn’t care less.” That startles her.

She vaguely remembers a few Shinigami bursting in the house, fighting through the flames. She remembers being dragged out, gushes of fire tearing the walls down, worried eyes studying her. They’ve been calling her name.

“Karin.” 

She gasps and feels panic taking over again. Shunsui is trying to find her eyes but she can’t look up.

“Look sweetheart, I understand it’s hard but you really need to pull yourself together. Look at what you’ve done, how powerful you are.”

“Powerful?” She whispers and is surprised when her voice doesn’t tremble. He laughs and Karin feels her body tensing and her brows frowning.

“It’s not funny.” 

It really isn’t. They are at war and there is nothing funny about that, or risking one’s life, or dying. There is nothing funny about a Shinigami who can’t contain their powers and sets houses on fire. The Sotaicho keeps giggling and Karin is torn because she kind of wants to punch him and ask him how he is not freaking out knowing his men are currently facing an enemy who’s threatening his realm, but she’s also aware he is the most respected Shinigami in Soul Society so maybe she’s wrong. When he speaks again his words hit her pretty hard.

“You’re a destroyer, Kurosaki Karin, and it’s beautiful and fascinating. The sooner you manage to control your strength, the sooner you’ll be able to fight beside him.” 

So maybe that’s that. Maybe she’s been wrong all along. Her heart is beating fast and she can surprisingly think straight again. Toshiro is gone and she couldn’t stop him but she’s not helpless, there is definitely something she can do not to make him go ever again. Not alone at least.

“Do you understand?”

Karin hates crying and it’s time to stop whining. She’s determined now and can feel the excitement gripping her stomach.

“Yes, sir.”

Kyoraku Sotaicho dismisses her with a hand gesture.

“Don’t burn down the rest of Seireitei, will you love?”

Trying to achieve Shikai alone and with no guidance is way harder than Karin had previously expected and she probably should have known. She thought Kikaeno had been ready for her but quickly learns that’s not true. It takes her two more weeks of intense meditation, night and day, barely any sleep or food, to finally meet her Zanpakuto’s spirit. Kikaeno has the features of some kind of small panther, her fur is pure fire and her eyes are red like melted lava. 

“You are afraid of me, child.” 

There is no point denying it, the spirit is part of her, she knows. But it’s not really that she’s scared of her, she just can’t help feeling wary and defensive when Kikaeno is watching her down from a tree, speaking big words about the truth of life and death and strength and weakness. 

After three more weeks Karin realises the Zanpakuto’s spirit is actually waiting for a challenge, for her to make the first step. And it’s funny because Karin has always considered herself to be outgoing and brave but Kikaeno brings her clarity and the reality is that she’s a follower, she’s let other people lead her to the life she has now. Frankly it’s all turned out to be what she wanted too, but that’s not the point. The point is that she needs to start making choices of her own.

So she demands Kikaeno to reveal her Shikai release. The blazing panther grins mischievously and in a burst transforms herself into a mystical woman with hair like spiky flames and a smile of sharp fangs. She attacks Karin at once and quickly defeats her. 

“I won’t let you win just because it suits us both. Show me who you really are Karin, and I’ll be yours.” 

It’s been two months since Toshiro has left and Karin feels guilty because she hasn’t cried again. She still worries, she still looks at the stars at night and prays, she still dreams of his touch and wakes up in an empty bed missing his warmth and smell and voice. But something has changed. She’s never doubted Toshiro is one of the strongest Shinigami in Seireitei but somehow she really knows now, she understands his strength, she trusts he will fight to win. 

Kikaeno still defeats her but it’s taking longer and longer each time and Karin reads expectation and satisfaction in the spirit’s red eyes as she blocks a blow sending her a few feet back. Soon enough Karin feels completely at ease and safe in her inner world and thinks she won’t disappoint Kikaeno who’s chosen her and has so much faith in her.

She thinks of Hyorinmaru and how she’s never really considered him an actual part of Toshiro. Karin is embarrassed because she knows now how wrong she’s been and Hyorinmaru must have suffered her lack of interest. That will need to change. She also realises that just like Kikaeno with her, he will never let anything bad happen to his young master and it makes her even more confident Toshiro will be okay. 

It happens one day while they’re fighting just as usual. Karin dodges Kikaeno’s attack because she’s seen it coming and for a moment thinks she might actually win. The realisation leaves her slightly confused because probably she’s overestimating herself but then she moves quickly and manages to hit her in the stomach. Karin is shocked but also excited and motivated to keep going. 

It takes her a while but when she finally stands over Kikaeno, sword on the neck, both of them panting and sweating but smiling, she understands that she has always been strong but really has never needed to be so has also never accepted the full potential of her powers.

_She needs it now, she wants it now._

Releasing her Shikai feels like cleansing. It’s a burning hot shower that washes off pain, rage and frustration. It’s an explosion of built up energies and Karin can finally let go. Kikaeno is pleased and Karin can feel it, she can feel everything and it’s amazing and beautifully overwhelming.

The Sotaicho is pleased too. He congratulates her but says he won’t let her join the others. That makes her face red with anger and she’s about to roar back that he won’t stop her but he speaks again. 

“They’re coming back.” 

Karin gasps a little because yes, it’s true that she completely trusts Toshiro now, but it’s also true that her heart will not feel whole again till she can look him straight into his deep ocean eyes. Two more days pass and Karin is absolutely restless. She tries to meditate but Kikaeno tells her she needs to chill and recover or she will burn out.

“Literally.” She says and it creeps Karin out.

It’s late in the afternoon, the streets are quiet and empty and the only sound that breaks the silence is the kettle whistling on the stove. Karin watches the puffs of steam dissolving in the air considering she actually doesn’t even want tea but really needs something to do so might as well. 

Then she senses it. It’s so strong she thinks there is no reiatsu like his. Her instinct is to Shunpo out to meet him but then breathes deeply and stands still. Control. Patience. She won’t rush it, she won’t insult him again by making a scene as if she’d lost faith. She knows now that Toshiro is too powerful to ever be in danger and wants him to know that too.

Karin sips her tea and waits.

The sky is a canvas of oranges and pinks when Toshiro finally slides the entrance door open. His robes are ripped and drenched in blood - not his, Karin notices scanning him from head to toes - and his beautiful eyes are dark and tired. She thinks he looks a little confused, like when she’s pissed off and he has no idea what he’s done to make her angry, and he doesn’t step inside which makes Karin wonder if something bad has happened.

She also takes a moment to watch him for real, acknowledging he’s so strong he could probably wipe out half Seireitei with a single blow, and that makes her shamefully excited. She thinks she’s the luckiest fucking woman.

“You’ve burned down my house.” His voice is flat and dry but she knows him and smiles.

“Just a couple of rooms.” She plays along and shrugs “Gotta sleep in the living room for a while, no biggie.”

“No biggie…” He repeats in whisper, sighing loudly and shaking his head, eyes still fixed in hers. 

“I’ve mastered Shikai.” 

Karin sounds a bit too hesitant and hates how much his opinion matters to her, but there is really nobody else she’d care to impress. Anywhere, ever.

Toshiro’s serious face melts in an instant and there is so much love, admiration and respect that Karin catches her breath and feels her heart burn.

“I’ve heard that too.” 

He sounds emotional. He sounds real and honest and Karin has missed him so much it’s actually sickening. 

"Come here.”

That’s really all she needs to reach out and crash into him at once. And it doesn’t matter if he’s dirty or tired because she holds him tight and she hopes it hurts so he won’t forget this moment. Toshiro wraps his strong arms around her body, buries his face in her hair and breathes in like he’s been deprived of oxygen till now. 

Karin is sure that’s where she belongs and has absolutely no doubts she would do anything for him, she would die for him. Kind of has already. She steps back a little, fisting his clothes and pulling him to look down at her.

“You know, I’m sick of you leaving me.” 

Toshiro frowns and she knows he didn’t expect that. Not after all their talks.

“Karin we’ve been over this a thousand times I can’t-”

“No listen, you need to listen to me.” She’s firm but also gentle, reassuring him that it’s not an argument.

“Look, I understand. I understand now and I’m sorry it took me so long.” She says bringing her right hand up to his cheek. Toshiro relaxes into her palm and rests his eyes shut.

“What I’m trying to say is that I’m ready to fight with you.” Her voice trembles a little “Like, beside you.”

She loses a bit of confidence when he opens his piercing blue eyes again to watch her.

“And I’m not asking, Toshiro, so don’t you dare-”

“I would never, not again.” 

He quickly interrupts her and turns slightly to kiss the inside of her hand. His lips are soft and a little wet and it tickles. The gesture is private and affectionate and warms her up, her cheeks red. Karin is amazed at how he can still make her blush like a teenager after all this time.

“I will never tell you what to do.”

They don’t lie to each other so she knows he’s sincere and feels blessed because it’s so easy. She forgot how easy it is with him. _He understands._

“Thank you.”

He leans down to kiss her and it’s incredible how alive that makes her feel. Hot blood running in her veins, heart pumping so fast she can hear it in her brain, their warm breaths becoming one. He tastes like home and peace and Karin has missed him so much she hates herself for being so fucking in love. She’s missed him so much and tells him because it burns and it’s driving her mad.

Toshiro smiles and he is the most handsome man Karin has ever laid eyes on. Even like this, all roughed up and filthy, bruised and tired. 

“I’ve never left you, you know that don’t you?” He says low, not even an inch away “I might have been late at times but I knew I’d come back to you. Always. You’re constantly in my head, you’ve always been.”

“I know it now.”

And she really does. He holds her close and leaves tender kisses down the neck. She smiles but his voice is deep and serious when he speaks again. 

“I love you so much Karin. No matter what, I will always find my way back to you.”

So she brings her arms around him to make him feel safe and warm and confident like he makes her feel.

“And I promise I’ll get so strong that you’ll never need to go without me, you’ll never need to worry about me.”

Toshiro slowly raises up resting his forehead on hers and Karin gets lost in the abyss of his eyes.

“Thank you.”

_This is perfect_ , it’s all she’s ever wanted. They are together, holding on each other, and they are not going to let go. Karin thinks Toshiro must have suffered every time he’d left her, it must have killed him just as much as it’s killed her. She thinks he had patiently waited for her to catch up and now she’s finally here, next to him, ready to hold his hand till the finish line, whenever that will be and whatever that might mean.

Karin is so happy and can’t hold the tears running down her cheeks. Toshiro smiles on her wet lips and it’s perfect.

“I love you.”


End file.
